


Phantoms and Angels

by EarthCallingAlice



Series: Catching the Sunrise Series [27]
Category: X-Men (Comicverse), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Bisexual Male Character, Depression, Flashbacks, Inspired by Music, M/M, No Sex, Open Relationships, Recovered Memories, Slash, Strained Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-06
Updated: 2015-02-06
Packaged: 2018-03-10 20:37:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3302702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EarthCallingAlice/pseuds/EarthCallingAlice
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Logan realizes being immortal doesn’t always mean you have all the time in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Phantoms and Angels

**Author's Note:**

> The song I had in mind for this story (and the next) is "Fuzzy" by Grant Lee Buffalo. I was and still am a huge fan of theirs, though Grant is solo now. The lyrics to the song is here:
> 
> <http://www.lyricsfreak.com/g/grant+lee+buffalo/fuzzy_20062241.html>
> 
> If you want to listen to it, the link is here: <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WhGreh4IoNw>
> 
> Originally published on March 21, 2011
> 
> All characters belong to Marvel/Disney.

^^^

 

I've got my past now. I've finally got my greatest wish but now some days I’d do anything to give those memories back. I knew I did some bad things. I knew some things were against my will but other things… not so much. I try to focus on the good I done. The man I was. Or was he just a lie? If I knew then what I knew now would I have taken the path of an X-Man? A hero? “Hero.” Logan rolls that word around in his mouth and it becomes unsavory on his tongue. It fills the pit of his stomach and turns to bile.

When I came down for coffee into the kitchen this morning I ran into Kurt. He had gotten up earlier. He hasn’t spoken to me much lately. Though, I haven’t made it easy for him. I never make anything easy for him. But here he is, still by my side as he’s always been, almost since I’ve first met him. He was eating a bowl of cereal while I was pouring myself a cup of my favorite java. He looked at me and smiled… And I froze and then I quickly looked away as soon as his gold eyes met mine. Such love and trust in my general goodness. Some harsh part of myself had a thought that I might not deserve the happiness I get from this man. Or that I’d lose him.

Suffice to say I never told him what I discovered. I couldn’t. I just can’t. Not now - Maybe not ever. I find his worried eyes drilling holes into my back. Finally I go over to him and put a hand on his shoulder to let him know we’re ok, but when he looks into my face again I tell him “I’ve got to make a cig run.” And he smiles back from what I can gather because I’m not completely looking at him. I have blinders on now and I’m on auto drive. I hear him say, “All right, Logan.” He pauses and adds hesitantly, “See you later?” I nod my head quickly and mumble a “Yeah.” Before I quickly make my way out the back door, into the garage, rev up my Harley and rush to the tobacco store down the road.

After I pick up my cigs, I drive for hours, ghosting the town and don’t come back until midnight.

And we come to the present. I am sitting in a chair in the corner of our room. I crept in like a burglar what seems like ages ago. Kurt is sleeping soundly, but I can see worry lines marring his usually youthful, impish features. He has waited up for me I’m sure, worrying for my sanity or if I might be killing some poor sucker or me myself dead in a ditch somewhere. Bless em,’ because I can’t die. Not easily anyway. I smile at that. That someone could care for me that much. But only briefly. I know I’m hurting him. But I can’t even speak to him for too long or I know I’ll fall apart. I know he’s used to this sort of thing from me. But he shouldn’t take it. It’s not right. But I’m grateful he does too all the same.

I feel like I’m about to lose it. As if that man I know I was is ready to take his place again. Maybe it’s because mutants are more threatened now than ever and I want to protect what’s mine. Maybe its because I’m just sick of the good fight, of playing things clean because others don’t. But I don’t like it and I don’t know what else to do. I don’t want anyone to get hurt. Especially Kurt. I know Kurt. He’ll try to stop me. No matter how foolish and reckless, he’ll do it and I couldn’t live with myself if… the animal takes hold.

I look at his naked, still form on the bed. He has the covers off like he usually does in the summer and I admire his strange beauty and want nothing more than to feel him inside and out. To completely lose myself in him. To hear him moan and cry out my name in that passionate way that he does, that way that breaks me open and spreads me wide as I try to do the same for him, but I can’t bring myself to touch him. Still, I feel myself get hard just the same. So I leave the room before I get the chance to. I flee to one of the vacant rooms of the mansion a few doors down.

I lye on the bed, too tired to even change my clothes or I just don’t care. The little human things, those mindless rituals, like getting undressed seem trivial right now. And I feel like I need something to prop me up as if I try to stand I’ll drop like deadweight. Or crumble. I can’t even drown my sorrows in liquor like everyone else gets to and forget things, myself, where I’ve been. Not without downing gallons of the stuff. But I don't bother because I cant find the strength to move.

As I close my eyes, I go back to those early days of Kurt and me, not long after we get together. We’re playing “hide and seek” but now we’ve upped the ante. The noise is tiny; no one else would hear it but me. And he’s getting better. It has taken me twenty minutes to find him this time but I reach into the bushes and grab a hold of his costume. As I pull him out he looks up at me surprised. He feigns shock and insult. But I know better. “Gotcha.” I smile wickedly and more than a little suggestively.

“Scoundrel. You're a cheat.” He pouted ever so seductively.

“Nah. I won fair and square.” I answered confidently, though I'm shaking inside.

“Brute—Mmmph!” Now that was the end of that as far as I was concerned. And him too, I guess, because he just melted into me effortlessly.

As I press my lips to his before I tackle him to the ground. I look into his face and he looks into mine. He pushes his chin up in defiance and he smiles naughtily. “I think I’ll port.”

There was a rumble in my chest. “I don’t think so, Darlin’.” I catch his wrists and pin them above his head before placing my lips to his and steal his breath away because he has stolen mine long ago. “Like I said, I won. Forget beer. This is better.”

After we part for air, I feel him playing with the wings of my hair as I settle my old tired head on his chest, his strong heart beating against my ear, and it’s this moment that I know he loves me.

I hold on to that memory where I’m a different man in a different time and where there was still some hope in my past, because I have a feeling that this fairytale will soon be over.

And if there is one thing I know, nothing good lasts forever.

 

 

^^^


End file.
